Prabhāṭa-rasmiḥ 40 - Sublimation of ego through group-interaction
17 Mar 99
Advice to youngsters:
Today I will talk about the behaviour and behavioural culture of the young generation. In particular I want to emphasize this aspect of sadhana to the youngsters in our Brahma Vidya Group. It is, of course, in general applicable to all, anywhere in any walk of life.
The youngsters are supposed to be a better generation than the elders. The aim and effort of any family is to bring up good and virtuous children so that the consequent generations will always be an improvement over the earlier ones. The role of a couple, a family or a parentage will be fulfilled only when the children come up to the mark and are in a position to excel their parents.
While this is accepted, the youngsters must also understand that they should always feel a sense of gratitude to the elders for having provided them the opportunity and level of life with so many facilities from which the new generation could take off. The gratitude should be not merely to one’s own parents or family, but to the whole society and in particular, to the elders in the society. But often we find that the respect and regard is miserably lacking in the youngsters.
As you grow up, and you start noticing and observing the parents, you may find a number of defects and insufficiencies in their behaviour, habits and character. When you find these, what should be your reaction? As you observe these shortcomings, do you also examine in your own mind and try to eliminate these wrongs and insufficiencies from your own life? Is this kind of self-evaluation constantly taking place? – I sometimes wonder.
May be the parents have become victims because of their upbringing in the hands of their own parents. Do not fall a prey to the defects. You are not to openly scold or ridicule your parents, or speak about their defects to others. You understand them. In spite of everything that you notice, you must continue to have your regard for the elders.
One youngster made a remark to me. “Swamiji, people have been associated with you for a number of years. We don’t find the effect of this long association in them. In the matter of taking and serving food or in sharing a facility with others or in occupying the front seats during satsangs, or while coming up to make any announcement or while trying to be of help to others or in the matter of moving from one place to the other for reaching the satsang spots – in all these matters, even the mostly closely associated people apparently are falling behind. There is no enough of cooperation, consideration or sense of sacrifice.”
What do I feel when such a remark comes to me? While I appreciate the observation, I also feel sorry for these youngsters. I think a constant examination by these youngsters is necessary to set matters right. Youngsters and the newcomers will have to be very tolerant. The tendency to find fault with others is not good at all. You may be very keen in your observation, but the idea must not be to find fault with the others. There are many things that they have not done right, but always look at those things that they have done well.
I have been visiting Jamshedpur for the last 34 years. It is the third generation that is now hosting me. The first generation is not active any more, the second is there only partly and the third generation has come up. It won’t be correct on the part of the new boys to start feeling that whatever they think is alone right. It is because the first generation took me there and has been associated with me, with affinity, commitment, loyalty and integrity that the yajna programmes are going on for so many years in success.
Quite possibly some of them require a little more refinement or adjustment. Maybe that some of them are not as efficient and committed, as one would like them to be. But in a satsang group there is a place for everyone. When you are dealing with a group, you have to interact with the poor and the rich, the illiterate and the literate, the kind and the harsh, the stingy and the liberal. All these persons will have to be accommodated. And by doing so, only your merits and understanding should improve.
In Delhi also I have noticed, the situation is similar. There too, the new generation must understand that they have to make a lot of adjustments. Instead of complaining, you should think, “even in such situation how can I be effective and in what way can I continue to perform well?”
Let the youngsters sublimate themselves, to be in a position to take criticisms, at the same time to excel in their goodness. It is just like the newly wedded daughter-in-law not interfering with the affairs of the mother-in-law or the in-law’s house, but, at the same time, trying to gain confidence of the in-laws so that slowly she can put in her own ideas and standards. When she does so, with tact and understanding, nobody will object. But if she starts saying, “everything here is wrong and my parents’ family is better”, none but she will be disliked and ridiculed by everybody.
I think this attitude is necessary even in your office-life too. We are giving more education to the youngsters; more of exposure is there for them. Unless there is the ability on the part of the youngsters to carry on with the elders, there will always be problem. This is the note of caution and compulsion that I want to impress on the youngsters.
The same truth can be applied to one’s own family. As children you have grown up- you should know what your father is, what your mother is, what your elders are. Gain all the experience by observation and become yourself a better person, by eliminating the defects, incorporating the virtues seen in others, and adding something more in yourself, if you can. I think, unless this restraint on the one hand and regard for the elders on the other, with a constant self-examination to improve yourself, are there, there cannot be any acceptable group-behaviour and group-productivity.
Think about it more and more and incorporate it as a virtue, as a compulsion in all walks of life.
18 Mar 99
Advice to elders:
Yesterday I was mentioning as to how our Brahma Vidya Group has to become very keen in the matter of absorbing timely corrections and orientations. I was stressing particularly on how the youngsters will have to develop enough consideration and respect for the elders. They have to conduct themselves without offending their elders. If they perform, considering this to be a sadhana, then, in spite of whatever seeming displeasure they may encounter in the process, they will have the necessary sublimation. Gradually they will also gain the confidence and trust of the elders. Now, to complete the whole statement, I must speak about the elderly devotees also.
The elderly devotees should understand that they are becoming aged every day. There comes a time when some of the affairs should be given over to the youngsters for implementation. There should not and need not be any feeling of loss, feeling of hurt, disrespect or otherwise, if they properly understand the meaning of ‘amanitvam, adambitvam’ and the like.
Instead of feeling a loss or inferiority, they should by proper reflection, feel greatly enriched and sublimated. This is a sadhana that the elderly people will have to do continuously. Association with me should not become merely a privilege and thereby a cause for a feeling of superiority. It should become, instead, a progressive sublimation of one’s ego and possessiveness.
May be some of the youngsters are doing things better. The number of devotees who come has increased. Some new facilities and scopes have to be added. The elders should not compare and feel bad. That is why we have a very good proverb that says:
Sarvatra vijayamicchet putrat-icchet parajayam
Seek victory over everyone, but in the hands of the son seek defeat.
The idea is this- the role of the father is fulfilled when he is able to bring up the son to excel the father. The aim of the son, mind you, is not to excel the father, as such. On the other hand, it is to strive for high excellence. The father compares the son’s excellences with his own and he finds the son is even better. When the son is thus found to be more excellent, the father should actually feel happy and fulfilled.
But there are instances when the parents with narrow outlook refuse to yield and therefore there is problem. As somebody once mentioned- to begin with, the ego of the youngster is something like an arecanut, gradually it grows into the size of a coconut during middle age, and finally it ends with the size of a big jack-fruit when he grows old.
On the other hand the ego should be sublimated as the age advances. So the elders must accept that along with every generation, ways and styles will change, standards may also change to some extent. They must accept this change as a scheme of nature. And they must be able to appreciate the youngsters and encourage them.
Thus if they are able to remain at a distance, without interfering, at the same time being interested, giving timely reminders and suggestions everybody will appreciate their role. They should understand that continuous work cannot go on only with one generation.
The elders will have to be followed by youngsters and the youngsters will become leaders and they in turn will become elders to be followed by still further youngsters- like that the cycle will go on.
So, instead of feeling embarrassed, hurt or humiliated, let the elders feel enriched and happy that somebody is there to take the helm of affairs and carry on. I find that this feeling of encouragement is often missing in the case of elderly devotees.
Some of the people who used to come to the Asram right from the beginning were used to a certain level of activity and satsang. Over the years, it has changed. In particular, many new disciplines and routines have been introduced during the past half decade in order to create a sublime and austere atmosphere. We have got a pushpa samarpana programme, we have regular classes and more devotees are visiting the place. So, when we tell the elderly people, should they refuse to mend their ways? When we put everything into a regular procedure, the routine should be lovingly accepted. On the part of the elders, there should not be any resistance; on the other hand they should feel happy.
Thus, yesterday, I stressed the need of the youngsters to become appreciative and even subservient to the elders. Today, I say, the elders should drop their narrowness, if they have, and become broad-hearted, appreciative and encourage the youngsters. Then only running of any institution will be possible.
19 Mar 99
To youngsters and elders:
Yesterday and the day before, I was mentioning about the Brahma Vidya groups of Jamshedpur and Delhi, and the group behaviour of people there. I was mentioning that the youngsters, who necessarily will have to come up and take responsibilities of running the programmes, should have the necessary concern and elasticity to honour the sentiments of the elderly people. Equally so, the elderly people must have the breadth and expanse to appreciate and encourage the youngsters, at the same time guiding them in a very effective way.
This is not merely a behaviour problem or question. It is actually one of sadhana. As one grows in age especially in the proximity of the Guru, he is also expected to grow in his mind and heart. In fact the entire sadhana is intended to bring about this expansion – more of tolerance, appreciation for others and assimilation of higher qualities
Only when the sadhans is lacking, the trouble arises. Nobody will be able to arrange a jnana yajna all by oneself. We cannot always manage with ourselves alone. Group behaviour thus becomes an important part of sadhana. In the house you are with your own people- either parents or married partners or children. You have an established relationship with them- a relationship that is normally unbreakable. It is even legal. So, each will be able to or even forced to adjust with another. I don’t think, that is part of sadhana if you are forced to do anything. When you do anything by option, by choice, by cultivated quality, then only it becomes a sadhana.
In a group, unlike at home, you don’t have any specific blood or matrimonial relationship. And by the very nature of the group there will be people of assorted tempers, styles and levels. As an inevitable part of sadhana one must be able to accommodate, encourage and appreciate others. And he must do it with cheer. I always say, “Excuse a person not out of weakness but out of greatness, if you can.” Yield even when it is not called for, but out of greatness.
Now, this greatness will be compelled in a group. Many people will be there. Each will talk from his own level. Some will be courteous, some will have softness and moderation. There will also be some without these refined qualities. The upbringing of people being different, the resources education and experience being different, there will be a conglomeration from various quarters. Under all such circumstances one must be able to contribute whatever he can with proper behaviour and elegance. At the sane time he must be able to assimilate everything that is around. I think this is an important part of spiritual sadhana. Sri Krishna declares the lakshanans of a bhakta in the 12th chapter of Bhagavad-Gita:
The devotee is one towards whom the world around or the people around do not feel resentment. His actions do not cause resentment or dislikes in others. Similarly he should not feel resentment towards anybody. He must be able to look at the world and interact with it in spite of all its imperfections. He must equally be able to ensure that the world doesn’t find him repulsive. Such a devotee is dear to me.
When you start applying this standard, you will find that in the case of our youngsters as well as the elders, there is a lot of scope to improve. I would like to repeat what I heard from a very good youngster. The remark was not given to me, but to somebody else. “These people, respect and aged as they are, have been with Swamiji for a number of years. But the values and principles that Swamiji has been emphasizing all along are not found in them. Then, of what use is this Brahmavidya pursuit? Is it only ostentation?”
I felt very disappointed by this remark. I am not disappointed that the remark has been made by someone; I am rather disappointed that the remark had to be made. A youngster may be a newcomer, or a son or a daughter of one of the close families- feels that he is not able to find any spiritual sublimity that is normally expected in sadhakas. Don’t you think that the remark is a very grave one?
Unless a man is given to introspection to see how he is, and how he is seen by others and unless he is trying to improve his own mind and heart, there is no sadhana. Is sadhana only studying scriptures? Sadhana is also study of the scriptures. In these same scriptures, it is repeatedly mentioned: “Drop your ego. Drop your mamata. Drop your desire. Do not try unnecessarily to use anybody. Try to be open. See that the mind is not agitated. Love others. Have sympathy for others. Never be resentful. Never be hateful. Be tolerant. Be peaceful and light.
Ashtavakra says:
Kshamarjava-daya-tosa-satyam piyushavadbhaja
Kshama and daya- I think these can never become excessive.
There are occasions when we may be repelled by the behaviour of others- be tolerant. If one person has ego, let us understand that he has ego. But we should feel only sympathetic to him. People are born with ego, they find it very difficult to leave it.
Group interactions are very much necessary for sublimation of one’s ego. If you can open yourself up to the presence of others, the remarks of others, to the criticism of others, I think there is a lot of benefit going to be. Sometimes criticism will be undue, let us understand that they are undue. Some will be very much relevant- try to act upon it. In both cases do not get ruffled.
If sadhana part is always kept in mind and one is regularly following it, there will be no conflict. On the other hand, there will be a lot of growth, harmony and joy.
Harih Om Tat Sat. Jai Guru.
